Category Archives: Dear Diary

Curhat..curhat.. These are my thoughts just minutes after my ups and downs..
Caution: If you don’t want to read stories of me whining, complaining, feeling sorry for myself, or even shouting and laughing of joy..then DONT READ THIS!

FC Barcelona: My current obsession!


At last.. It came..

The package I’ve been waiting for almost a week.

The most expensive piece of clothing I ever bought in my entire life!


With Lionel Messi’s name and number 10, printed on the back. How cool is that! *dance

I know most people would think that I’m way over my head. How can I bought something which price maybe is ten times more than the actual cost, or 6 times more than the market price of a regular football shirt with the same quality? That amount of money can buy a lot of things! I know.. I know.. It may seems unreasonable, and I don’t think that there will ever be a reasonable explanation for it. It is what it is. An emotional purchase! An act of passion on my part. Though I refuse to say that it was an impulse buy. I always know that I would get an Authentic Barcelona Home Shirt someday. It was an € 18 discount on FC Barcelona online store for Messi’s printing that droves me to make a decision the buy it Now! And bought it I did. Now, it became the most expensive piece of clothing in my closet. And I couldn’t be happier! 😀


I started to become a fan of FC Barcelona, a football club from Catalonia, Spain, about 8 months ago, right after the 2010 World Cup. I have known Barcelona for a long time as a leading football club in Spanish La Liga, from the time of Ronaldo and Thierry Henry. I also knew the buzz about the new Maradona, Lionel Messi, who was the rising star of the club. I even support them on the 2010 Champions League Semi Final against Inter Milan, just because I hate Inter (Sorry Inter Milan supporters, but I am an AC Milan fan. ;p). But I loooove the Spanish National Team, and I support them whole-heartedly on the 2010 World Cup. The day that they won the World Cup, I went about without sleep for 23 hours, just because of the euphoria. So, naturally, because more than half of the Spanish National Team starters belongs to FC Barcelona, I started to rigorously watch Barcelona on the Spanish League. And OMG, they completely blew me away!


They are the showcase of talents, meets team spirit, meets harmony, meets honor, meets history. They play beautiful attacking football, with accurate short passing from feet-to-feet that gets you shouting ‘Ooh’, ‘Ahh’ and ‘Wow!’. Recently, they are considered the Best Club in the World that displays Modern Total Football. And of course, you can’t love Barcelona without being in love with their leading striker, Lionel Messi. Currently voted best football player in the world for two years in a row, Messi is the epitome of football genius. I’ve never seen a club this good and a player (Messi) this great in my 15 years of loving football! I can’t get enough of them. I watched every game, every replay, every updates and news of them. There’s not a day without me going through their websites or facebook page for new updates. I joined their fan club. I have their wallpaper all over my gadgets (Blackberry, laptop, etc).

So basically, I AM Obsessed!!


I don’t want to over analyze my behavior. I got this way every now and then when I encountered something that I considered GREAT. I am very enthusiastic about the things I love. They say that people love to be associated with Great things because it allows them to feel that they are a part of Greatness. I do feel that by being a Barca Fan, I am a part of history in the making. FC Barcelona is like what its slogan says: “More than a Club”. It has become a symbol of Catalan culture because it is the sports club that most represents the country and is also one of its greatest ambassadors. It has done numerous humanitarian efforts in its strategy to take a step further and become “more than a club around the world” as well. Not many clubs has this vision of wanting to be More to the world. I admire Barca so much for that.


Having said all of the above, to me the value of the shirt is a lot. More than the cost of the fabrics, the stitching, the printing, combine with the labor, transport, delivery, etc. The sentimental value of it can not be named a price. Because I am holding a piece of history that I will value more with time.


I will wear My Authentic FB Barcelona Shirt with pride!

(*just have to figure out where to wear them, though. ;p )


Diriku Pikiranku



Sara Bareilles – Gravity

I heard this song a few months ago on the radio, and I didn’t know the name of the song nor the singer. So I am left with a deep longing since.. Really,  I am not exaggerating.

This song gave me the chills. I literally pause when I heard this. The beautiful voice of the singer captivate me, and the lyrics is so beautiful, simple and honest..

“Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.”

This is the lyrics that really struck a chord in me. It stuck in my head ever since. I don’t know why? I can not say that I can relate to this lyrics.. I was not in love then and I am not in love now. But I have been in love.. and this song really reminds me of what it feels like to be in love. How it is liberating and frightening at the same time. How it makes you feel strong but yet vulnerable.

This song evoke those memories and make me remember..

It makes me miss being in love..

Love really is a wonderful thing..

I hope you enjoy the song and the lyrics like I do..

With Love. Diriku Pikiranku.

Sara Bareilles – Gravity


Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.


You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.


Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.

But you’re on to me and all over me.


You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.


I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

B.E. H.A.P.P.Y

Is it wrong in my age to just live in the moment and not think much about my future.. Coz I kinda enjoy it.. *wink  🙂

It’s not like I plan this to happen, I don’t program my self to be like this.. I spent most of my age hating comfort zone and always looking far ahead to where I want to be in the next 10-20 years. That was me.

But today, I’m like really enjoy looking around and focus much on my surrounding, friends, hobbies, and really just be ME in the present tense.. And not thinking much about ME in the future tense. I don’t know when this transformation happened and I kinda felt guilty sometimes.. Being my analytical self, I started to have questions.. Is this normal? For a person to change so much? Is it OK if I continue like this? Is this just like my way to justify my lack of passion and achievements? Is it because I’m running away from my problems? Because I’m afraid to chase my dreams?

I still don’t know the answers to all those questions swirling in my mind.. Cause the answer changes every second I think of it..



Not really.

It’s not like that.

Is that true?

Is that really how I feel or how I should feel?


At the end, I still haven’t came to a conclusion.. So, I think for now I’ll keep it simple and just do what makes me Happy at this very moment.. If sleeping makes me Happy, I’ll sleep all day.. If spending time with friends and writing makes me Happy, I’ll spend time doing just that.. No plans at all.. But I still gonna make time to think about this questions at least once a week, until I find the answer.. And I’ll pray everyday for GOD to eventually show me the right path to His Good Grace..

For now, I just want to BE HAPPY!  Cheers! *grin 😀

Happy Birthday to Me..

Wow, time definitely flies..

Without I realize, today is my second birthday in Bandung.. A city I love since my college years..even though familiar faces from my college days one-by-one left me alone in this city, but the fact remains.. I never regret my decision coming back here. In my solitude I learn a whole lot about my self, get to know my upside, but especially my downside.. Bandung is like my sanctuary, where I can think. Something that the busy, fast-paced city of Jakarta can’t provide. Maybe it’s not the city but the lack of familiar faces hence the decline in social activities which makes me have lots of time to be alone and reflects. Whatever it is, I feel a sense of peace that I didn’t quite get in Jakarta. I hope to retire here someday.. That will be a bliss.

Anyway, today is my birthday. Thus, I decided to vary from my usual bedtime at 10pm and stay up late to watch the clock ticks by towards 00.00 am on 25 September 2010, which would be the day I turn 20-something ( a secret :p). My purpose is no other than to think and reflect. I thought about my 20-something of existence. In what way have I grown? To what person have I become? In what things haven’t I changed at all?

My realization is not entirely pleasing. It has been a year of revelation for me. It’s through my years in Bandung that I realize my biggest weakness, which is my underlying character since adolescence is still haven’t been cured. The one thing that I thought I have put under control after I got older. My temper. I had long since realized that I was a fire-cracker. I snapped at the slightest irritation. It’s not a desirable trait, I know. That’s why I’ve been fighting it nearly forever. I’ve lost friends and loved ones because of it. Only a few of those people survive and still hanging tough. They are my families (no wonder right? :p) and my best friend. To them I’ll be forever grateful for they have made me a better person. I managed to have a tight leash on my temper when I’m at work or around familiar faces. But it’s here in my solitude, that I realize that the fight is far from over. But it is somewhat a good revelation, I think. I always believe the farther down you are, the more room you have for improvement. I am grateful that this eye-opener came at my 20-something age, not when I’m 30-ish or 40-ish where it would have been an acute disease and more difficult to cure. I turn to God and my loved ones for this, and it will be my Big resolution for my next birthday.  🙂

I realize also that I’m in another turning point in my life. I’ve realized my life mission that I have prolonged for sometime. I’ve been procrastinating a lot, focusing my energies not in the place that matters. I have not been living in alignment with my mission and my dreams. I’ve been sleepwalking my life away. Even after I realized my life mission and my goals, I still sometimes go back to my old self and my passive approach of live, living on a day to day basis, whatever will be will be, doing non-value added activities. It’s an ongoing self-development process, I think, to be able to consistently living in alignment with your purpose. That will be another of my resolution. I will invest more time on ME, on my purpose, on what matters.

On that note, I take a look at the clock… 58..59..60!

Happy Birthday Yuwana Stiani!!

May you always remember to reflect and learn from the passing years, and carry on with the determination and motivation to make the following years of your life better than the last.

Every breath you take is a gift from HIM. Make it matters.

“The purpose of life is not to be happy, but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, and to have made a difference” – Leo Rosten

“The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it” – William James

At Least I Have Tried..

I don’t know why, but I always get the urge to write when I’m sad.. Especially when heartbroken.. It seems to me writing could be an output to overflowing of emotions, usually sadness.. That way I could reach that state of emotional balance be whole again..not crumbling inside like this. Oh well then, let me just take advantage of it while it last..


……… I’m just lost for words right now.


Let’s just say.. I fell for someone..a good friend of mine.. I gave it a go.. and I failed.

It’s hard.. cause for me to be able to open myself to love again is not easy, let alone to try and do something about it. And.. Like after every failure, my subconscious mind started to analyze and question things..

Mind:Why are u always fall for you friend..why not somebody new, who you don’t have history will be a lot more easier to leave behind when it’s not working, right?

Heart: “Cause I can’t fall for a stranger.. I need to know him well for sometime before I trust him..let alone love him.. I just can’t do that.. He has to be my friend first, before anything else..”

Mind: “You know damn well that he’s not that into you and thinks of you only as his friend, so why continue anyway? You could prevent something like this from happening, right?

Heart: “I can not want something and not do anything about it. However impossible it may seems, I rather try and fail, than be at the agony of not knowing, just thinking ‘what ifs’. If I could do it all over again, I would do the same. That’s just the way I am.. I guess..”

And with that, my mind rest.. I hope.. ;p My stubborn heart always came up with answers that are sometimes illogical, but will never alter.. because they represent ME. As foolish as I maybe..


So.. now, what’s left to do is just to move on..

I’m going to look forward, and not regretting yesterday..  🙂

Thus, the menus for this beautiful Monday are:

  • Work like Hell at the office. Like this quote I found this morning on Tweeter: “Love conquers all, but if love doesn’t do it, try hard work.” –Anonymous
  • Work out the rest of my energy at the gym.. Just wear them off on treadmill.. :p
  • All the while, listening to sad love songs on my Winamp… Jennifer Paige – Beautiful, Bellefire – Can’t Cry Hard Enough, Lionel Ritchie – Can’t Get Over You, Colbie Caillat – I Never Told You. Jennifer Love Hewitt – Couldn’t Find Another Man… Huhuhuhuhuhu… Hiks..Hiks..

Tetap semangat Yoan!! Remember.. No Regrets! Jiaiyoooo!! Go..Go..Go…

Have a Good Monday Morning everyone! 🙂

I Am Afraid..

Love is Scary..

Love make you stop and wonder..

“Is this really ‘it’? or is it just another silly feelings?”

“Am I being brave by taking chances..or just plain stupid..?”

“Do I really love him..or just love my image of him..of us..?”

It’s very hard to be logical when your heart beat faster with each remembrance..When his face pops out in your head on every quiet moments.. When you feel quite content with longing..while you can’t even describe or define what is it about him that makes you feel this way?

Should I runaway and hide.. or should I stay and fight for it?

How I wish to have an accurate formula for this problem and not relying solely on gut feeling.. I am not a ‘player’ at all.. I have test the water and it’s not very nice.. I may have zero chance in this but I want to try anyway..

I have run almost my whole life.. I wonder what will happen if I go against the odds this time? I know I want to do it.. I want to take my chances this time.. Be brave enough this time..

Hey You.. If you’re reading this..

I’m building my courage.. Though I’m still scared and don’t know If I ever going to pull it off in the end..

I’m planning to say.. I love you.. Please be nice if you don’t feel the same..

“To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don’t want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.” -Veronica-

Pictures from:

A Simple Act of Gratitude

“I’m glad I have you here..” My Boss said..

And with only that short sentence I feel revived..

My tired self who was ready to go straight home after all the hectic schedule of the day.. was energized..

Instead of going home, I stayed for another hour or two, motivated to do some extra work..

It’s like the energizer bunny, after being installed with a new set of batteries, all of a sudden rapidly thumping the drum..

With that simple exclamation.. My Boss has motivated me to do more.

I don’t know if he had planned it or not..

But I trully realize after that, the power of a simple act of appreciation..

Like a pat on the back, or simple words like “Good Job!”

The increase in motivation and employee engagement that those simple words achieved is amazing!

We usually implement punishment for mistakes or non-achievers and give bonuses for high achievers.. but we seldom rewards accomplishments with simple act of gratitude. Frankly speaking, I’d be happy for the bonus money transfered to my account for my accomplishment..but it doesn’t came close to how I feel when my boss said those simple words to me. Money matters..but attention counts for so much more!

“I’m glad I have you here..” he said. It made me feel meaningful..

And because of those words..I plan to contribute more.. do the best that I can..

And take his action as a role model of true leadership and good people management.

Your welcome Boss! 🙂